A Day on the Streets of London
by yummycherrygum
Summary: Hermione Granger, that slut, has a very eventful PERVERTED! day while wandering the streets of London. Not that graphic...hahaha, enter at your own risk
1. In the Streets

Hermione walked and talked and had some fun. She chewed some bubble gum. It was cherry-flavored…yummy…cherries: _Maybe I'd like to get mine popped! Oh wait_ (Hermione pouted) _that's already been done._ _Maybe_, she thought,_ I'll invent a popped-cherry-reversal spell and become famous! _

Then Draco bumped into her. She was enraged and turned on. Instantly she stupefied him. He fell heavily. She jumped on him and tore off his pants. Then she _jumped_ on him. It was fun.

"Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!!!"

Draco stirred. She stunned him again and continued on. Unfortunately, she swallowed her cherry-flavored bubble gum, but her terrific orgasm kept her from noticing. Around her, the London population went on, ignoring the rape. She thought _yummy_ again.

"_YES!!_"

Draco sat up. "Hermione?" He stared at her, but she just continued to rape him. He didn't seem to mind. "Mmmmm."

"SHUT UP YOU NASTY FUCKER!!" yelled Hermione, and stunned him again. He fell back limply, blood trickling from his ears, mouth and nose.

"Uh…Hermione?"

She looked up. Harry and Ron, holding hands and wearing matching purple sweatsuits, were standing over her. She pushed sweaty hair out of her eyes and grinned a little too brightly at them.

"Hey guys! You, uh, gay or something?"

Harry glanced down at his and Ron's joined hands, blinked, and then leaned over to kiss Ron's cheek. Ron grimaced, but Harry agreed ecstatically. Then he sighted something over Ron's shoulder.

"Ooooh, look, Pottery Barn!! Ickle Ronniekins, look! IT'S POTTERY BARN TIME!!" he skipped off, tripped, knocked himself unconscious against a lamp post, lay prone for a moment or two, bounced up again and dashed into Pottery Barn where he began modeling himself against the sets.

"So you and Harry? Is it good?"

Ron groaned. "Nah, I'm really straight. But, you know, this thing with You-Know-Who…he's protection, right? He comes up to me at the end of the day and he's like, 'So, Ron, wanna play with me?' And I'm all like, 'Nah, mate, that's like, weird,' and then he's like, 'But you called me mate, d'you wanna mate with me?' And then I'm like, 'Dude…' and he's like, 'Ohhhhhhhhhhh Ronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn,' and I'm like, 'I'm not gay,' and he's like, 'Yes you are,' and I'm like, 'No I'm not' and he's like 'Yes you are,' and I'm like 'No I'm not' and he's like 'PLAY WITH ME RON' and I'm like, well all right, he is the Chosen One and if I sleep with him maybe he'll protect me, so them I'm all like, 'Sure, Harry, I'll sleep with you,' and Harry's like 'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH' and a little part of me died inside."

"That's tragic," said Hermione uncertainly, still straddling Draco.

"So…" said Ron, twiddling his thumbs. "You and Draco, eh?"

"What—oh! No," she said, getting up and straightening her dress. "He's not much good, anyway."

"Yeah…" said Ron. "I didn't think so, either."

Hermione leaned over and threw up into somebody's handbag. Voldemort whirled around, slapped her, and trounced off. She considered calling for Harry, but instead just shrugged.

"He's been cross-dressing a lot lately," said Ron. "Harry and I saw him and Lucius at a gay bar yesterday. They were _trashed_. Lucius started eating his lipstick and You-Know-Who started a mass orgy with this ant colony that war swarming over a cookie Harry dropped…" Ron giggled histerically.

Behind them, Draco groaned a couple of times. Ron, practically writhing with hysteria, wandered over and started kicking him aimlessly in the ribs. Hermione walked over to help him.

"Exscuse me," said a high-pitched voice at their elbows. It was Voldemort, dressed in a gaudy pink dress and looking very umbalanced, either from his high heels or the paper-wrapped rum bottle in his hand. "D'you know the way to the nearest strip joint? Women…legs…killing Muggles…ahhhhh…"

"Er…" said Ron.

"Uhh…" said Hermione.

"You know, there's a very horny boy in Pottery Barn over there who wants somebody to…play with…" Ron started crying into Hermione's shoulder and Hermione, to comfort him, but her tongue in his ear. Voldemort, meanwhile, sprinted across the street, got run over twice and destroyed one of his Horcruxes, started whining about the world conspiring against him, and eventually made it over to Harry, who eagerly immersed himself in making out with his nemesis.

"Maybe I should have offered him a blow job," said Hermione wistfully, wriggling her tongue into Ron's external auditory meatus. "He looked so lonely."

"Trust me, he doesn't want a blow job," said Ron tearfully. "I already offered…and he…refused," he began to wail piteously. Hermione became impatient and shoved him against a police horse, which Ron tried (unsuccessfully) to eat.

"Horse tastes bad," Ron announced, wandering back over to Hermione, who was sitting on Draco's head and farting wetly.

Just then Professor McGonagall walked up, looking scarily casual in nothing but black lingerie. She had cuts on her back and was carrying a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs in one hand a horsewhip in the other. One of her sagging breasts was attempting to escape from her bra.

"My _favorite_ students!!" she cried, bounding over to them and licking her lips like a sexual predator. "And when I say favorite, I mean _favorite_…like, I love you two _so much_…"

Ron whimpered, grabbed Hermione's hand and ran away. From a safe distance they watched their Transfiguration teacher shift into a lithe little cat and start raping a very unfortunate tomcat, who yowled but couldn't escape.

"I want to go home," cried Ron, sucking his thumb.

Hermione grinned evilly. "I'll be your home," she whispered seductively into his ear, biting his lobe. Ron fainted.

Hermione, looking around, saw herself in front of a familiar shabby-looking phone booth, and smiled. She walked over Ron, jammed herself into the tiny box, and dialed the Ministry code.

"State your name and purpose," said a delicate female voice.

"Hermione Granger," said Hermione in a throaty voice. "I'm here to see Arthur Weasley…"


	2. To the Ministry

Hermione bounded up the steps of the Ministry of Magic, cackling like a sexual predator about to close in on her victims. She raped the weigher of the wands, the scales for weighing the wands, and then, for good, measure, the wands themsleves.

Being well familiarized with the Ministry due to past excursions (cough rapes cough), she quickly navigated towards the Muggle division of the building, raping the elevator boy along the way. Although that may have just been in her imagination…

She really did rape the goldfish, who six months later spawned the first human-fish cross, a magnificent species with huge sexual appetites.

Within a few moments she was outside of Arthur Weasley's office. She threw herself through the door only after discovering that it was quite difficult to sexually assault a doorknob.

Inside, she met a rather nightmarish scene of Arthur and Molly Weasley involved in a mass orgy with various photographs of Sirius Black. The room was a deafening avalanche of shrieks, groans, moans, yells, cries, shouts, grunts, sobs, bellows, calls, hollers, howls, squeals, wails, whoops, and squawks.

"OH MY GAWD!!" vociferated Hermione. "This is…is…FANTASTIC!!"

"Hermione! Honey!...honey-face…sweet-cake…chocolate bunions…" panted Mrs. Weasley

"Er...yes...no...maybe?"

"Come join us!" Mr Weasley exclaimed excitedly, bouncing up and down on a trampoline he kept in the corner. "We could use another body...Ginny went to the washroom and we've been a little lacking in warm, nubile bodies..."

Hermione screamed and ran out. Even for her immensely perverted mind, that was too much. She passed Ginny and Fred, naked and holding hands, somewhere on the stairway, and burst into tears. They attempted to rape her, but she skillfully eluded them.

About two point five inches (6.36 centimeters, or 2 500 000.000 000 001 microinches) from the Minsitry of Magic, Hermione began to calm down. By the time she was 2.59 inches (6.578 6 centimeters, or 2 590 000 microinches) from the Ministry, she regretted her decsion and almost turned around to rejoin the creepy Weasley...ah, reunion. However, she did have her pride (in fact, she had none; it's just a figure of speech) so she instead dashed across the street towards Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, she got runover by a trollet, a tricycle, and a turbine airplane before she reached her destination, and was instead scraped up from the road by Grawp's toy spatula and taken to St. Mungo's.

As everybody there thought that she was ugly, she ended up sharing her bed with a possum (kingdom: aimalia; phylum: chordata; class: mammalia; infraclass: marsupial; order: diprotodontia; suborder: phalangeriformes), who took advantage of her unconsciousness by violating her several times.

Fortunately for Miss Granger, there are several spells for reversing the effects of being run over by trolleys and turbine planes. Unfortunately for Miss Granger, there are no spells for reversing the effects of being run over by a tricycle, so she had to lie still for two and a half hours while her wounds healed, during which time her and the possum were very busy.

By the time she was released from St. Mungo's, Hermione was in love with all marsupials, so she caught a plane to Australia...


	3. Bouncing Around Alot

**Chapter 3: The Land Down Under (Hermione's Warm Nubile Body)**

So! Hermione, after sustaining several injuries, raping several peoples, and spawning several half-human fish, decided to take a well-deserved vacation to the Land Down Over, where, you know, grizzlies hop wild and kangaroos don't exist 'cause they suck (seriously).

Unfortunately for her, she needed a medical exam to board a plane (before her obsession with sexual assault came, her Apparation instructor had asked her to sleep with her and she had refused…sad, confused child…). So she went to see (/rape) a doctor.

"Doc! I have this cancerous spot on me!" she said upon the entry of a short, fat, bald, ugly, stupid, slobbering, smelly and shockingly appealing man. She promptly stripped naked and then showed him the back of her hand, which indeed had a large tumor growing on it.

"Oh, don't worry about a little thing like _that_," he scoffed. "I eat little Cholangiocellular adenomas like that for breakfast! Seriously," he added, and promptly bit the whole lump right off her and swallowed it in one gulp, licking his thin lips and then the massive mole which grew just inside his nose.

"You could have shared!" glawped Hermione. "Nastly little molecular phylogenetic, just rape me and let me go." **(A/N that's a fungus, and that little cholan-whatsit up there…somewhere…is a type of benign tumor. A/N I've always wanted to do an A/N. A/N I just figured out that A/N stood for "Author's Note". A/N, I'm not actually retarded, but yes I am quite weird)**

The doctor complied and then called in some colleagues and they all fooled around with her, calling her stuff like "Renal cell carinoma" and "Fibrosarcoma" and "Poo-poo head". After a while Hermione got bored and wandered out, leaving them to rape each other, which they did with considerable enthusiasm.

Anyways! Hermione went to the airplane terminal (any one in London) and traded (forced) sexual favors for a ticket, as her medical records still weren't in order, due to previously mentioned disruptive rapes (and also maybe the fact that she had HPV, Herpes simplex, KSHV, chlamidia, syphilis, ghonnorea, chancroid, and donovanosis, plus a very dirty scalp).

She spent the plane ride hiding inside the toilet in the men's wahsroom and raping whoever came in.

Then, at long last, she reached Pakistan! She was really quite sad that she wasn't in Australia, as she wanted to rape some marsupials, but got over it quickly once she realized that Pakis often shower communally. **(A/N, dunno if they actually do, and I'm seriously not racist, one of my best friends is Albanian.)**

So she had a great deal of fun with that—for a while—but since half the fun in rapes came in removing peoples' clothes, she quickly grew depressed and hithced a ride with an ostrich towards AMERICA, where there's a huge drug trade in anti-depressants, as well as horny older men. Hermione was very hot for older men, horny or not.

While travelling with the ostrich (whose name was Maurice, and who was a capital fellow, if not quite as interested in rapes as his passenger was) Hermione read _Franklyn Rapes his Teacher_, which is really and excellent book, with many fantastic pictures (full-color, too, a bonus).

Then, finally, at length, finally, at length, at long last, finally, she came to the Squabbling States of America, which I guess does have Jon Stewart, so it can't be _that_ that bad, and it does have lots of honry old men, which really makes it kind of excellent, and which currently features Harry Potter on tour with his new boyfriend, a strange pale man who may or may not (or may) be Voldemort!!!!!!

**Dude guys!!! So this is a co-owned account, I write some stories and my partner writes some, but he really hasn'****t been doing much lately, so I've been turning out short, crappy stories to compensate (although the short, crappy weird Chat thing was both of ours). **

**That story had no point but I'm too lazy to delete it. Ah well. IF YOU'RE SPEEDREADING SKIP THE ABOVE BOLDED TEXT AND JUST JUMP TO HER. Actually don't. I really have nothing to add. Except that I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT, TOO SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXY!!!!!!! (If you don't know that song the devil will eat your babies.)**


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